


Cold Feet, Warm Heart

by eternaleponine



Series: Where There Is A Flame [25]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Everything is better with Veelu in it, F/F, Just ask her, pre-wedding jitters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 13:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14594472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: It's a month before Echo and Luna's wedding, and Echo realizes that she is not prepared for this.  At all.  And it drags her back down into dark places she thought she'd left behind.  But friends - tol and smol - remind her that things not be as bad as they seem.





	Cold Feet, Warm Heart

Echo sat in her car, staring at the screen of her phone, watching it blur and focus as tears rose in her eyes and fell. She'd told Luna that she needed to run out for something – she hadn't even said what that something was – and Luna had just smiled and waved, too absorbed in her conversation with her parents (which Echo understood maybe one word in five of) to ask questions. 

And why would she? She trusted Echo.

_Why the hell does she trust me?_

Saying she needed to get something had been a lie, after all. The truth was that she just needed to get out of the house, the too-small space that had felt suddenly claustrophobic, because among the words Echo _had_ understood were _Hochzeit_ and _Kleid_. Wedding and dress.

And reality had hit like a hammer falling on an anvil, rattling Echo and sending her fleeing. 

The wedding was in a month. She still didn't have a dress. She hadn't written anything for vows, and they certainly weren't likely to use traditional ones. They were being married in their garden by a friend with a certificate from the internet that said she was qualified to perform weddings. No church, no religion. God would not be their witness because neither of them particularly believed in Him. Or Her. Them. Whatever.

Beyond the basics, Echo didn't actually know much about what was going on with the wedding. She'd left it mostly to Luna to plan, because she was busy with handling the renovation of the house – houses, since Clarke, Lexa, and Madi's new house was in equally rough shape, and she had to make sure it was perfect before they moved in – and planning for the farm. They checked in with each other on major decisions, but they'd agreed that it was a fair distribution of the things that needed to be done, given that Luna also had a full-time job, and they had Adria to worry about, too.

For now, anyway. They had Adria for now, but summer was closing in, and her mother had said she would come back in the summer, and even though she hadn't called in weeks – months – and the number they had for her was out of service, that didn't mean she wouldn't show up when they least expected it and turn their lives upside-down. 

A fresh wave of tears rose up, and with it despair so crushing that Echo finally made herself hit Send on the text she'd typed she wasn't sure how many minutes before. 

**Echo:** I don't think I can do this.

She wasn't sure if she would get a response, but she should have known better. 

**Niylah:** Don't think you can do what?

**Echo:** The wedding. I don't think I can do it.

This time the pause was longer, and Echo started to type another message, to tell Niylah never mind, it was fine, because it wasn't Niylah's problem, and for her to make it Niylah's problem wasn't fair. 

**Niylah:** What's going on?

**Echo:** I don't have a dress. I haven't written my vows. 

**Niylah:** You still have a month, which seems plenty long enough for the vows. The dress we should probably get on soon, though. You'll be limited to off-the-rack, but most shops have seamstresses available, or Gina can probably help with any alterations.

When laid out like that, sure, it seemed simple, and not like a problem at all. 

Because maybe that wasn't really the problem. 

Echo typed, and backspaced, and typed again, and backspaced again... and finally typed quickly and hit Send before she could delete the message a third time. 

**Echo:** I don't want to do this.

**Niylah:** The dress? The vows? The wedding?

**Echo:** Any of it. I don't want to do this.

A long pause, and then:

**Niylah:** You don't want to marry Luna?

Echo wrapped her arms around herself, hanging her head and letting the tears fall for a second, her shoulders shaking as she tried to hold back her sobs. She scrubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands until she saw stars.

**Echo:** I want to marry Luna. I just don't want the wedding. I don't want all of the fuss. John and Emori had the right idea.

**Niylah:** They had a good idea that worked for them. But you and Luna are not them. 

Echo didn't answer. What could she say? 

**Niylah:** It's just a party, Echo. Just think of it as a party. 

**Echo:** Where I'm the center of attention. 

**Niylah:** Didn't you mention something about Veelu wearing fairy wings? I'm pretty sure you're going to be upstaged.

A laugh bubbled up despite herself. Niylah had a point. Everyone would probably be more focused on their adorable flower girl and ringbearer, and on Luna, then they would be on her. Because no one was going to be there for her.

And there were the tears again...

She'd sent a wedding announcement to her parents, but not an invitation. Maybe someday they would work things out between them. Maybe someday she would find a way to forgive them for letting her go so easily. But not on her wedding day, so they wouldn't be there, and who else did she have?

**Echo:** I guess maybe it's hitting me harder than I thought that no one is coming for me. 

**Echo:** I know that you're all there for me, but you're there for both of us. There's no one who's just there for me.

**Niylah:** That's a pretty Big Mood. 

**Niylah:** And completely understandable that it might make you feel ambivalent about everything. But the ceremony part is what? Maybe ten minutes? Then it's just a party with good food, and cake, and dancing. 

**Niylah:** Which are all things that you like.

**Echo:** Yeah...

**Niylah:** You have a little girl who thinks the sun rises and sets on you who wants to be part of your happily ever after. Who wants to see your ring finally on the right finger. Do you want to deny her that?

Manipulative? Maybe. But it was also true. Veelu had been the first person she'd told when she and Luna got engaged, and she had promised Veelu that she could be their flower girl – after all, she already had job experience in that area – and how could she explain to her that she'd decided not to have a wedding after all?

How could she explain it to Luna?

Who was too good for her. Who deserved better. Who loved her for some inexplicable reason, and Echo wished she didn't. Wished she would come to her senses and realize that this was all a mistake, that she was better off without her, that...

Echo twisted her ring around her finger, sliding it up past her knuckle and then back down again, pushing it firmly into place, because right now the temptation was so strong, the darkness so overwhelming...

She forced herself to actually say it. To acknowledge what she was feeling, how overwhelming things had become.

**Echo:** I want to take off my ring. I want to give it back to her and kiss her goodbye and just be DONE.

She knew that Niylah would know what she meant, and she knew that it was unfair to dump this on her, but who else did she have? Luna, of course, but she couldn't bring this to Luna, and everyone else had their own shit right now. Not that Niylah didn't, but it was too late now to take it back.

**Niylah:** You're overtired and overstressed. You're trying to juggle so much: the houses, the farm, the wedding, supporting your pregnant best friend, being a mom, being a BTF... You give everything to everyone and keep nothing for yourself. How many hours have you slept this week?

**Echo:** Not many.

**Niylah:** I know it feels bad right now. I know. But I think before you make any decisions, you need to just take a little while to relax, get some sleep, and see if things look better in the morning. Where are you?

**Echo:** Sitting in my car.

**Niylah:** At home?

**Echo:** Yeah.

**Niylah:** Okay. If it would help, I can meet you somewhere. But I think maybe the best thing for you to do right now is to go inside and make yourself some tea, or some white chocolate cocoa if you have any left, have some cookies, watch something light on Netflix, cuddle with your fiancée and remind why you proposed in the first place.

**Echo:** It was an accident!

**Niylah:** But an accidental proposal doesn't turn into a wedding if there's not something real behind it. Even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for her. You're pretty much the groom in this situation – it's not about you. Which doesn't mean that your thoughts and feelings don't matter, but if it helps, just think of it as something that you're doing for other people, like you always do, a necessary part of getting to where you want to be. Which is married to Luna. Right?

**Echo:** Yes. 

**Niylah:** Okay. So tonight you take care of yourself. I'm confident that tomorrow things will look better. I'll take the day off and we'll go find you a dress.

**Echo:** You don't have to do that.

**Niylah:** Have to? No. Want to? Yes. I need a day off anyway.

**Echo:** Are you sure?

**Niylah:** Positive. Let me know when you wake up. We'll go out to breakfast. My treat. 

Echo tried to clear her head, to focus on something small that she could hold on to. 

**Echo:** Maybe I should ask Veelu to help me write my vows. There's no way that wouldn't cheer me up.

**Niylah:** That's actually a great idea. So I'll see you tomorrow?

Echo sighed, feeling some of the darkness lift, allowing her to draw a full breath again. 

_I am stronger than the darkness..._

**Echo:** Yes. 

**Niylah:** Good. I care about you, Echo. I want you to be happy.

**Echo:** Thank you. Thank you for listening. I'm sorry I'm like this.

**Niylah:** Don't be. Just have a good night.

**Echo:** You too.

Echo went upstairs and found Luna in the kitchen, switching on the electric kettle as if she could read Echo's mind. Luna turned to look at her and lines formed at the corners of her eyes as she frowned. "Everything all right?" Luna asked. Because Echo couldn't hide her puffy eyes, or the fact that she'd come back in empty-handed. 

_I am bigger than this pain..._

"It will be," Echo said. 

"All right." Luna wrapped her arms around her and drew her close, and Echo leaned into the embrace, letting it steady her. " _Mein Schatz._ " _My treasure._ As if _she_ was the lucky one. 

Luna let go when the water boiled and fixed them both cups of tea. Echo took the opportunity to go peek in on Adria, who was sound asleep, the teddy bear that Veelu had insisted on making for her at Build-A-Bear with her Christmas money when she found out that Adria didn't have any stuffies of her own tucked under her chin. 

She found a box of Girl Scout cookies, the lemony ones that got powdered sugar everywhere, and curled up on the couch with Luna, keeping the TV volume low so it wouldn't wake their daughter. Echo turned on an episode of _All Creatures Great and Small_ , which she had loved as a kid, and still loved now, even if it reminded her of all the ways that keeping livestock could possibly go wrong. While she waited for her tea to cool, she sent a quick text to Abby.

**Echo:** Can I pick up Veelu from preschool tomorrow? I have a project I need her help with.

Even though it was kind of late, the reply was instant.

**Abby:** Of course. What kind of project?

**Echo:** Something for the wedding.

**Abby:** She'll love that. She's very excited. 

**Echo:** I know. 

**Abby:** Just let me know what time you're going to drop her off so we can make sure one of us is home.

**Echo:** Will do. Thanks.

**Abby:** Thank YOU. Now I'll have the afternoon to get errands done. 

**Echo:** Any time. 

"What project?" Luna asked, having clearly seen the messages over her shoulder. 

"Nothing you need to worry about," Echo teased. 

Luna laughed, and Echo felt it vibrate through her. "Fine," she said. "Keep your secrets. I'll find out soon enough." 

Despite the lingering darkness that threatened around the edges of her mind, Echo was glad that the only thing the words, and their implication, made her do was smile.

* * *

"Vera, no run—" one of the teachers started to say, but it was too late. As soon as Echo stepped through the door, Veelu was up and sprinting toward her, springing into her arms and holding on tight. One day she would grow too big for that kind of greeting, but today wasn't that day, and Echo held her tight, kissing her head before shifting her to her hip. 

"Hey, Li'l Monster," she said. "Did you have a good day?"

"Hi Not-Imaginary Friend," Veelu said, grinning. "I had an okay day but now I am having the best day because you are here."

Echo laughed and squeezed her again. Once up on a time, when Veelu had first started preschool, her teachers had asked Abby if she talked about her imaginary friend Echo at home, too, or if it was just at school. Abby hadn't bothered to correct them, despite Veelu's insistence that Echo was _not_ imaginary, she was Very Real. Instead, Echo had gone with Clarke one day to pick Veelu up, and her teachers had been somewhat surprised to learn that Echo was every bit as real as Veelu asserted. Now it was a running joke. 

The teacher came over and smiled at Echo. "You just need to sign her out," she said. 

Echo nodded and went to the sheet to put down her name. Abby had added her to the list of people authorized to pick Veelu up back at the beginning of the school year after Echo had offered to take her for the weekend once a month or so to give Abby and Marcus a break and some couple time. 

"Did you wear a coat today?" Echo asked, taking her into the little room where the coat hooks and cubbies were. 

"No," Veelu said. "Just a sweater."

"Okay. We don't want to forget it. What about a bag? Did you bring a bag?"

"Not today." Echo had to crouch so Veelu could reach her sweater, since she knew that her smol friend wasn't going to let herself be put down yet. Veelu wrapped the sweater around Echo's neck, tying the arms in a half knot and laughing.

"How do I look?" Echo asked. 

"Fabulous," Veelu said. "It is the latest fashion."

"Excellent," Echo said. They waved to the teachers as they left, and Echo carried her out to the car, settling her into the booster seat in the back and making sure that she was securely buckled before getting into the driver's seat. "Speaking of fashion, I have something to show you when we get home."

"Your home or my home?" Veelu asked. 

"My home," Echo said. Luna was at work and Adria was at school for another few hours, so they had some time. Veelu kept up a steady stream of chatter during the drive, with Echo only needing to contribute periodically, mostly with things like, "Mm-hmm" and "Wow" to show that she was listening. 

When they got to the house, she fixed them both sandwiches for lunch, which turned the conversation to Veelu's upcoming birthday party, a Very Fancy and Proper Tea Party that Murphy was providing the food for, because Veelu had asked him to Very Nicely. (Abby was also paying him, but that was beside the point.) 

After lunch, Veelu looked around. "Where is it?" she asked. "Where is the surprise?"

"Surprise?" Echo asked. 

"You said you had something to show me!" Veelu said. "I don't know what it is, so it's a surprise!"

"Oh, right," Echo said. "Give me a couple of minutes, okay?"

"Okay..." Veelu said, her expression showing that she was already tired of waiting, but if she had to, she could be patient for a _little_ longer. 

Echo went into her room and unzipped the garment bag. True to her word, Niylah had helped her pick out a wedding dress that morning. Echo had only tried on two, but they'd decided when she put on the second one that they weren't likely to find another one off-the-rack that Echo liked as much, and it fit perfectly. The only alteration that it needed was to be shortened slightly so it wouldn't drag in the dirt, but after a quick FaceTime consultation Gina had assured her that she was more than up to the task. 

She stepped into the dress, and after a little bit of contortion managed to zip it herself. She smoothed it down, looking in the mirror, and although it wasn't a Say Yes to the Dress tears-in-eyes moment, she could see herself walking down the aisle in it, and being happy, and that was what mattered.

"Echo, what's _taking_ so long?!" Veelu called. "Do I need to come in there?"

"I'm coming!" Echo said. She opened the door and stepped out, feeling suddenly shy even though the opinion of an almost-but-not-quite-5-year-old shouldn't matter. Niylah had been right, though, the night before. Echo was mostly doing this – the ceremony part – for other people. For Luna, and for Veelu. So it _did_ matter.

Veelu's eyes went wide when she saw her, and then she was out of her chair and across the room, wrapping herself around Echo (and thank goodness she hadn't fed her anything that was likely to stick to her hands) and hugging tight. "You look so, so, _so_ beautiful," she said. "You are the most beautifulest bride I have ever seen." 

_There will be better moments..._

"Thank you," Echo said, and now her eyes _were_ full of tears. "I'm glad you like it."

"I _love_ it," Veelu said. "And I love you." 

"I love you too," Echo said. She crouched down and hugged Veelu. "So, so, _so_ much."

"I know," Veelu said smugly. 

"I'm going to go take this off again, but after that I need your help for something very important," Echo told her. "Do you think you can help me?"

"Of course," Veelu said, with a confidence that Echo wished she could feel about _anything_ , much less a task that she didn't even know the nature of. 

"Okay. Be right back." She changed quickly out of the dress and put it back in the garment bag. She would bring it with her when she dropped Veelu off, and then head to Gina and Bellamy's to drop it there. Gina had promised to keep it safe until the wedding. 

Back in normal clothes, she got a notebook and a pen, and let Veelu crawl into her lap on the couch. "What's the important project?" Veelu asked. 

"I need you to help me write my vows," Echo said. 

"What's vows?" Veelu asked.

"It's like... the promises that you make when you marry someone," Echo said. 

"Oh," Veelu said. Her face scrunched up so that it was clear that she was thinking hard. "Well, first you have to promise that you are going to always love her no matter what," she said. "Even if she makes you ex-as-per-ated." She enunciated each syllable carefully, and it was very hard for Echo not to laugh. 

"Where did you learn that word?" she asked.

"From Mommy," Veelu said. "That is what she says I am making her when I am doing something that she does not want me to do, even if it is not a wrong thing to do. Like asking too many questions."

"I see," Echo said. "Okay." She wrote it down, repeating it back as she wrote so that Veelu knew she was getting it right. "I promise to always love you, even if I am exasperated with you."

"Right," Veelu said. She thought for a moment, then said, "Okay, but what else do you need to say except that you will always love her? Isn't that all weddings are about?"

"You're not wrong," Echo said, "but usually you say a little bit more than that." 

Veelu heaved a sigh. "Okay. What about... you promise that you will always clean up when you make messes?"

"That's a good one," Echo said, and wrote it down. 

"And that you will always say that you are sorry if you do something wrong, and you will mean it," Veelu suggested.

"Definitely," Echo said, adding it to the list. 

"And you can promise that you will always help her when she needs help, like if she can't reach something because it's too high!" Veelu considered this, then added, "Well, I guess not the reaching stuff because you're both the same tall."

"Height," Echo corrected.

"Oh yeah." Veelu snuggled into her. "But she might need help with other things."

"It's a good promise," Echo said, resting her cheek on Veelu's head. "We all need help sometimes."

"Like you need help with your vows," Veelu said. 

"Exactly." She tightened her arm around Veelu. "What about promising to listen when she needs to talk, and to help her to feel better when she is sad?"

"Or sick!"

"Or sick."

"Yeah, that's good," Veelu said. "And you can promise that you will be a good mom and help her to be a good mom. Those are important promises."

"They are," Echo said, trying not to choke on the words even as she wrote them. "Anything else?"

Veelu looked over the list, which Echo wasn't sure if she could actually read, although she probably knew at least some of the words. "Hmm..." she said. "I can't think of anything."

"I thought of one more," Echo said, murmuring it as she wrote it down, "I promise that your home will always be with me, and mine will always be with you." 

Veelu nodded. "Is that enough?"

"I think so," Echo said. "Thank you very much for your help." 

"You're welcome," Veelu said. She turned so that she was facing Echo. "Can I say a vow to you?" 

"Sure," Echo said. 

"Good." Veelu picked up Echo's and pressed it against her chest, so that Echo could feel the little girl's heartbeat against her palm. "I promise that no matter what, you will always be my Best Tol Friend, even when I am not smol anymore, forever and ever."

Echo blinked hard. "Thank you, Li'l Monster," she whispered, her voice rasping. She took Veelu's hand and laid it over her own heart. "I promise you that no matter what, no matter how tol you grow, you will always be my best smol friend, forever and ever." 

Veelu nodded solemnly and then rested her head on Echo's shoulder. "That's a good vow," she said. "Oh and also I vow that I will always protect you from chocolate." 

Echo laughed. "I knew that one already."

"You should add that to your list. That you promise you will protect Luna from the things that might hurt her."

_Sometimes that's not possible,_ Echo thought, thinking of Adria and the heartbreak that losing her would be, and how there was nothing she could do to protect Luna, or herself, from that. "I'll add it later," she said. "I'm a little busy right now."

"Doing what?" Veelu asked.

"Tickling you!" Echo said, wiggling her fingers against Veelu's sides so that she squirmed, giggling, burrowing harder into Echo instead of trying to escape. She stopped before Veelu was breathless, and just held her close, letting the warmth of her body seep into her, thawing all of the cold places and chasing back any last shreds of the encroaching darkness. 

"This is my favorite," Veelu said sleepily, even though she usually insisted that almost five was too big for naps. 

"Mine too," Echo told her, and settled back against the cushions, Veelu draped on her chest, and pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around them. 

"Maybe just a little one," Veelu said. She tucked her head against Echo's shoulder, so close Echo could feel her breath on her neck. It couldn't have been more than a minute later, and she was out like a light.

_I will be whole again._

Echo set an alarm so they wouldn't sleep too long, and joined her.


End file.
